Say Whats Real

Good evening children, its been a while. No need to update on the goings on in the brain and life of Mr. Guesby. Fuck it, I will, cuz thats how I roll dog. Car completely slit its wrists in September, left no note, nothing. I can see why they say suicide is selfish, the Swagon didnt show warning signs. It never withdrew itself from the team. Hell it even got a nice shiney new 200 dollar windshield, a nice oil change with the NASCAR oil, a brand new battery, had a new lease in life. But one September morning on the way to drill it said "fuck you guys, Im going home" and by going home, it meant that highway I left it on, wit its ol bitch ass. November I lost my job, not really a story Id like to get into, since certain shallow concieted misguided whores like to constantly throw jabs at the god and his unemployment. Finally, find out why I was acting crazy and suicidal, fucking Chantix. Its a stop smoking aid my mother gave me. Which was 6 months expired. Chantix was already fucking folk the fuck up, being expired and mixed with heavy amounts of Southern Comfort and Valium I was using prolly wasnt helping. Im still with this Jamie gal, not a really a story Im willing to discuss because I have yet to figure her or what we are out. Its just best I dont ask questions, I get more sex that way...HA!!

Musically, well I still hate that Im painfully addicted to the craft of hip hop. My constant depression, has lead my music down a darker path. The results are actually pretty good, people like it. But now Im at the point that I wonder if theyll like it or me when Im no longer depressed....like thatll ever happen.

Im currently in a state of confusion, where I dont know who I am, what I am to become, who to trust, who loves me, and its painful to say the very least. Suicide is constantly on my mind. Because Im living dollar to dollar, not nessacarily knowing how rent will be paid if I will be able to eat that night. Jamie has been the best to me, on the surface, but underneath it all, I still question whats going on. Something I try to break myself of, and it often works, but it often doesnt. I find myself drinking as much as always, thanks to my liquor store giving me bottles on credit. Which I think is cuz Im the only guy on the S.E. side of the dub drinking Southern Comfort, I could be wrong.

Depression is the worst when you have absolutely no support system. I hate the "everything will be ok" responses. Because it may not be, life has a weird way of ending itself that way. My parents think Im just bitching, my girl tells me to relax. I cant relax when she is a good position, and Im in the worst ever. Its like everyday the clock is ticking. Like she'll wake up and no longer wanna be with a bum like me. And I try every day to prove my worth to her. Im not even collecting unemployment because the job lied and said I quit. I look for jobs everyday. And Im past being cool and frown upon or made fun of, so the gods been applying at McDonalds and shit. I just want a check.

The only thing really keeping me going is my dog Edge and my fear of God. Sometimes I doubt if the heaven n hell shit is real, but then again I cant off myself and it is real, thatd be awful. And my poor puppy dog Edge, where will he go? Will my parents take him? Will he go to the pound? He's too hyperactive (and bad) to really be adopted. If he is, will someone beat him? Questions I dont have answers to. And no the people in my life arent keeping me going because they act if I dont exist as is. Im positive my death would mean nothing to them.

So here I am, stuck. Stuck in a confused state with no end in site. I pray for change, but I all get is rain....sounds like a song.