Girls: What I've Learned

Again my friends, its the pivotal point in Mike Guesbys life where another girl has exited his life, and another oppertunity for self reflection has entered. Now me and this girl, well, to be honest, was destined to fail from the beginning. Started off right when me and my ex (the Notorious K.A.I. aka Kieristen "The Hammer" Holden aka the muse for Before I Embarass Myself) had ended. From jump, new girl blew the door off infidelity. Now, the ex, she had her far share of dirty, but this girl, man. Less than a month into it she starts cheating, then gets herself in some sort of group sex incident that she labeled "rape". Yeah, you were raped, and at nights a walk the streets of Wichita in a mask a cap and multiple gadgets looking for my parents killers. I tried people, to do my best. But hey it was my fault for not letting the girl go from jump, I know, Im a sucker for love, and always find myself attached to the wrong type of girls. Theyre all dirty girls, so like my mentor Rob Dyrdek would say, Im DGL (Dirty Girls 4 Life). I dont know why, and I dont know how I keep attracting these girls. Its kinda like I like this shit. I know, Mike's theories come back to slap him in his unshaven face. Ive had this long standing theory that girls only like bad guys, which is why youll continuely run into bitches with trust issues and the likes, because theyre last boyfriend (or in more realistic cases, last guy they slept with), was a fucking sack. And in my case, each of my last girlfriends, were either hoo-ers or exhibited hoo-er like behavior. Each time, Im like "Fuck that, that wont be happening" and Kortez will be like "Yeah, right, of course it wont", then it will, then Ill be like "Fuuuuck!!".

Now, to what Ive learned.

Ive learned that with dealing with female sex, theres no right way to handle them. Everything is wrong. Whatever you thought you knew, you dont. Sometimes it works out, most times it doesnt. Like with this last girl, I had been super sweet n all that gay shit with my exes, and yet those bitches ran away to first guy who was semi attractive but treated them terribly. So I figured, fuck that shit, Ima be a fucking a douche now. And what happens? Well the bitch ran off to anyone trying to fuck. Maybe had i been nicer, shed at least have the decency to sleep with someone who wasnt ugly as all fuck. Ive also learned that all girls are the same. Us guys have this theory that pretty girls are the worst when it comes to relationships. Sure theyre great to fuck and are extremely easy on the eyes, but will more than likely cheat on you for they feel they are better than you. So I step down to the alright looking girl, and she turned out to be the worst of them all.

What I do have to my advantage, is a distinct sense of deception, meaning, I can pretty much tell when youre lying to me. Like the last girl, last few weeks, shes conviently either had to work late, or leave her phone at home, or go swimming at 9 pm when its 70 degrees out and looks like itll rain. Ill call, and when shed call back, 30 minutes or so later, she "didnt feel her phone ring", which I took to mean, "Hey Im sorry I was sucking some dick and couldnt answer, but whats up".

Suffice it to say, I have next to no trust in the female sex, and by next to, I mean absolutely none. And if I had higher self esteem, then Id prolly be better off. But face it, I dont make alot of money, dont look that good, has a small penis, and cant really perform well sexually, thus I have nothing to offer a lady. I do though, have a penchant for shit talking and making you feel less than me, so I got that going for me.

Now will I give up on girls? No, prolly not, but I do know that from here on out, dont expect anything more from me thant a few laughs and the occassional act of sexual indecency.